Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Dreams and My "Calling"

My whole entire life I have always wanted to be the best at all the things I did, including things that I wasn't very good at. Some things I have come to accept. I will never be good at running or sports, and as such will never be very fit. And although I think it would be brilliant to climb Mount Everest and stand on top of the world, I'm never going to get there without some serious motivation from some outside source.
On the other hand there are plenty of things I can do reasonably well, like writing, cooking and graphic design, which I wish I had the time to do more often and therefore get better at, but because I'm not that great in the first place, I don't think that any of them will ever be a career for me, or even a means to support myself. So these activities get pushed aside in favour of ones which are in the long run more economically productive. And that is why I never write much on my blog, why I rarely make new dishes, and why I don't do digital scrapbooking any more.
And then there are things which I am pretty good at. Maths, logical thinking and academia. And the problem there as that those things aren't colourful and pretty and creative. And colours and prettiness and creativity are the things that I would love to be able to base my entire lifestyle around. But instead I'm going to be a scientist, because that's what I'm good at. I'm not sure there's anyway to make clinical psychology very pretty or colourful. But when (if) I get there, I'll let you know.

And then there are a few things that I've never tried but would love to try. Most importantly motherhood. People talk about having a calling and I always struggled with that idea because I could never find something I wanted to do my whole entire life. Because in school they want you to pick a career, which makes good sense really, now that women don't go directly from parents to husband without ever having to support themselves entirely. And of course married women have careers too. Wonderful ones. And that's great and I was up for that. Except that I didn't know what to do. Journalism was something which appealed to me greatly for a long time. But then I realised I actually wasn't very good at English. So I couldn't be a journalist.
I looked through a really big book in school one day which basically listed a ton of careers. I was sure that eventually I would find one that fit me. The best I could do was a speech and language therapy. I thought I was set. And then I discovered that they also teach people how to eat and swallow, after brain injury or whatever, and they have to put their hands in peoples mouths and stuff. And I was like no thank you. If I wanted to put my hands in peoples' mouths I'd be a dentist.
So I was back to square one with no career. And so I picked subjects that I enjoyed and I went to uni and I did Classical Studies. And I picked Psychology because I like people and I thought it might be fun. And I fell in love with the subject, so that's what I do now. And I want to be a Clinical Psychologist not because it's colourful and pretty like I crave. But because it's helpful, you get to look after people. And I realised that that is what I want to be good at. I want to be great at looking after people.

And most importantly I want my very own little people to look after. If I could get married tomorrow to the "perfect man" who ever that is, and have babies and babies, then I would be delighted. I can't think of anything I want more than to have children and to raise them and love them and teach them to be good, loving people, who get a lot out of life and who will want the very best for me when I can't look after myself any more, never mind anyone else. I want children so much that even at the age of 21 I have said to every one of my friends that if they ever get pregnant by accident, and don't want an abortion for whatever reason, I would adopt that baby and love it like my own without a second thought. And I know that I'm at university, and I'm trying to get a degree, and a career, and a husband, so that I can have a lovely home and then stay there looking after my kids and not having to work. And if someone was to hand me a baby tomorrow, that would mess up the plan a bit. But it's not about the house really, its about that kid. I want to be a great mum. I want my kids to be the best kids.

I read a lot of blogs my women who are stay-at-home mums who cook and who homeschool their children and who get to write and be creative and have beautiful homes and who take fabulous photos and who can make digital scrapbook pages til the cows come home (literally for some) and I want that. I know it's pretty weird at my age and stage of life. But I'm almost jealous of the girls from my year at school who stopped school when they were 16, got pregnant, even by accident, and are now raising families. And yeah its really hard for them because they don't have a lot of money, and a lot of them are single mums, but there's a whole part of me that wishes I had that too. I'd take the hardship and not being able to go out and not having any kind of a career and all of that if I could have kids to look after. I know it's a little crazy. Sorry. You'll have to deal with that.

It's probably a good thing I was raised like I was because otherwise that could be exactly where I am right now. And I might hate it. And that would be horrible. I know that it is far more sensible to focus on some form of a career just now, because kids are expensive, and to wait until I'm in a stable relationship with someone who I love and am married to, because that security is important. I just wish sometimes I could fast-forward to the days where I have a little kitty, a big dog, a baby boy on my hip, twin girls playing together with friends, and two wonderful teenagers who don't find me *too* embarrassing, a loving husband, dinner in the oven, vegetables in the garden, and fresh flowers and my own photography embellishing my cosy family home.
Oh well, I'm sure I'll have plenty of fun on the way

And what about you, trusty, invisible reader? Do you have any dreams? Where do you wish you could fast-forward to in your life